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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Healing

One word: SLOW.

As slow as the process of healing might feel at the moment, I do know that:
  • Someday I will walk past the case of Costco pumpkin pies and not nearly burst into tears thinking about the one we ate with our fingers on the drive home because we just couldn't wait for a fork...
  • Someday I will see Spongebob on the tv and not nearly burst into tears thinking about all those morning snuggles on the couch with that gorgeous little girl...
  • Someday I will give him a hug and smile, say that its good to see him, and the heartache in my own chest will have gone... 
Deciding how far off in the future that happy day might arrive feels like trying to guess the number of jelly beans in the jar to win the pig at a fair or something, so we'll just say "eventually"...

I've tapped every resource for bits of broken-heart-healing-wisdom over the last month, mainly to help me fight the mad urge to crawl under my air mattress and hide there indefinitely. I also made the decision early on that I would pretty much do whatever it takes to feel better. (Don't judge me...)

Monday, September 5, 2011

Single

Oh life, at what point did single turn into a dirty word...?

I don't plan to get specific here, mainly because I'm not the only person dealing with the end of this relationship, and I have to respect his privacy, but I did feel the need to acknowledge such a major life change because it will obviously affect this blog as well...

The fact that I no longer have a "family" of my own leaves me feeling a little...disoriented. I've spent the last three and a half years being not-the-mama to a gorgeous little girl, and loving the sense of security that life as part of a couple affords.

Reconstruction of my life as a single will take more emotional energy than I actually have available to me right now. So instead of taking full steps with one foot in front of the other, I feel more like I keep faceplanting, and then standing myself up half an inch further along than where I started. This process is decidedly less dignified, and it hurts like hell.

Handling the logistics of real day to day life has my full attention right now e.g. finding a new job, dealing with the fact that I rented my house out a year and a half ago and therefore cannot move back in immediately, remembering to brush my teeth, and stopping myself from wandering around in circles at Amanda's place like a crazy person...

However, I do plan to get these things settled out as quickly as I can, purchase yet another REAL camera, and focus fully on photography and writing. This would be the first time in my life that I gave my complete attention to actually doing what I love, not just talking about it.

Hopefully somewhere along the way single will morph itself from dirty word back into an awesome state of mind, an opportunity to explore life and pursue passions, to meet new and interesting people, to travel and learn, and ultimately to live happy...hopefully...

So, here I go again - wish me luck...

xoxo
Steph